Its Over To The Viewers

Ok viewers its over to you.

Please Feel Free to ask me a question or for some advice and I will (with my infinite wisdom) do my best to answer it, or you can post a topic for discussion and I'll discuss it.

A sincere attempt will be made to answer all letters. Since so few letters are actually received, it is virtually guaranteed that yours will be published. I reserve the right to edit and publish any letters I receive.

Legal Disclaimer: Mike is not a licensed therapist, nor should he be. With that said, ask away!

*Note:
I know everything except the combination to the safe*

Leave your question or topic, in the comments below

My new Video Player

I got a new Video Player that came with a remote control that has a barcode scanner so you don't have to program the video anymore. All you do is open the TV guide, go to the listings and whatever program you want to record theres a barcode on it. You scan the barcode and press send and it tapes that program when its on.

I thought to myself "This is a bit too easy" so I played a little trick on it. I got a packet of laxatives, scanned the barcode, pressed send and it taped THE SIMPLE LIFE!

New Video Player

I got a new Video Player that came with a remote control that has a barcode scanner so you don't have to program the video anymore. All you do is open the TV guide, go to the listings and whatever program you want to record theres a barcode on it. You scan the barcode and press send and it tapes that program when its on.

I thought to myself "This is a bit too easy" so I played a little trick on it. I got a packet of laxatives, scanned the barcode, pressed send and it taped THE SIMPLE LIFE!

Shes a little beauty

I went fishing today with my friend Bruce. I had never been fishing before in my whole entire life but he had. I've always wanted to go fishing and I thought "Well Why Not". So we set off at 5am to this nice little spot. We were sitting around waiting without a bite for about 4 hours.

Bruce went to the can and then all of a sudden I felt a yank and I had caught something. It was a struggle. And it was only me and the thing. It wasn't going to give up without a fight. About 10 mins later Bruce came back and he helped me bring this in. We knew it was big but we didn't know how big. Finally after an hour we finally brought it in and it was huge. Infact if I tried to describe the size of the beast my arms would disclocate. But luckly I got this photo!

I'm going to the V8 Supercars again

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Alrighty,
I can't wait for 2 weeks. I'm going to the V8 supercars again. I was at the same round last year. Its going to be in Melbourne. Last year was amazing. Ford scooped up 1, 2, 3. The rain stopped 20 mins before getting there and started as we left Melbourne.... You couldn't ask for anything more. I'm going to take more photos this time and put them on here.

If you have never been to the V8 supercars well you don't know what you're missing out on. Its loud and it gets your adrenaline pumping to see cars fly past at 270+ Kph. Last year the crowd went off its head and broke the fence down - I mean bent it over at a 90 degree angle while still in the ground to save jumping the fence. I think the same is going to happen this year.

This photo here is Mark Skaife's car that I managed to get a photo of during the Pit Walk at the end of the day. He drives a Holden. I go for Ford. So you can understand why I like this photo. Ford is going to win again this time.

Crap Video

Theres nothing worse than a crap video. I mean you have to sit 3/4 of the way through it before it dawns on you that its crap and you start to fill uncomfortable and you have to make the tea - thats how you know its crap. You sit there and you go "Does anyone want a cup of tea?" And you go and make the tea - thats your first indication that its a shocker.
Then it will creep on you and then there will be the one scene thats just ridiculous and everyone goes "Who the hell got this one out?" And slowly but surely everyone looks around at the person who got the video out and he's just sitting there going "oooh I didn't know, how was I to know? It said recommended viewing on the cover". Of course its going to say Recommended viewing. Its not going to have a big sticker saying 'This is a crap video'.
Review on the back: I wanted to make a cup of tea

Mullets For Peace

I sometimes write articles for thespoof.com. Here is an article I wrote... I will be putting more up later.

The world has made a unified decision regarding hair and how hair should be cut for equality throughout the world....the world leaders have made a law requiring that everyone should have a mullet haircut. The Law is entitled A Multitude of Mullets will make a Merry Face. Starting from tomorrow, any person that is caught without a mullet will be sentenced to 20 years in jail without parole.

The world leaders decided that if everyone had the same hair cut it would reduce the terrorist threats. Australians are outraged. Most say that they will be turned into bogans.

Bogan (pronounced BOE-gun) is a derogatory Australian slang term for somebody who is perceived as being an unfashionable "lower-class" person, typically of British Isles ancestry and living in deprived urban areas.Bogans are stereotypically considered to be young adults. (from approximately 15 to 30 years of age) Older males who would otherwise be described as being "bogans" are sometimes known as yobbos. Employment occurs primarily in the building or agricultural industries, with the main consideration being a requirement for unskilled labour. Low to midrange literacy and intelligence, (80-100 IQ) and above average physical strength are also prominent elements. They can primarily be observed in suburbs along Melbourne's northwestern corridor, (although related variants from other states exist) with greater numbers tending to the outlying/semi-rural areas due to increased opportunities for unskilled employment. They also have a tendency to be xenophobic and highly nationalistic, and so are therefore likely to avoid areas of large multicultural concentration.

Some think that this is great as Australians are becoming more Americanised and a loss of identity. This new law is a way of turning the tables and turning Americans in to beer drinking aussies.

The mullet is a great way to push start this.It is estimated that by the year 2020 most americans will find it fashionable ot wear flannelette shirts singlets and to actually embrace the australian way. Aussie missionaries who mission it is to turn people to the aussie way of life are currently living in the U.S.

These missionaries have a noticable Aussie accent and can be seen with cans of VB.

Only Steve Irwin can save us now!

Tool of The Week #1

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WELLINGTON (Reuters) - Three men trying to steal fuel from a New Zealand farm Monday ended up setting fire to their own car.

Police said the trio had siphoned diesel into a petrol-driven vehicle. When their car would not start, they examined the fuel pipe using a cigarette lighter.
One click, a boom and the car burst into flames.

"It wasn't a major whodunnit," senior sergeant Ross Gilbert told Reuters, from the small North Island town of Waipukurau, about 140 miles northeast of Wellington.
"Fortunately for them, there is no criminal charge for stupidity."

The men, aged 18 to 19, escaped injury but were charged with theft.

I'm starting a tool of the week award


Everyweek I'll be looking for someone, or some people who are worthy of such an honour to be recognised as tool of the week for their stupidity. If you hear of someone or something that would be worthy of being a contender for this award then leave the information in the comments below.

I saw Jesus on my pillowcase


Ok, now I'm disturbed...
Found this on E-Bay.






Image of Christ manifested on my sons tie-dyed pillow case he made at school.
Look at the detail, better than the Schroud of Turin. One of a kind. Look at the
crown and Pentagrams. Who else wears the crown? Please feel free to send
positive comments preferably not about my lack of suitable medication which is
always another topic for another day. I would be very interested in feedback and
interpretations. Save to your desk top and meditate on it and get back to me and
no I dont think its Santa it would be red wouldnt it. Has some one come for a
look.


AND THE PRICE?
1 Million Smackaroonies! ($1m)
Click here if you don't believe me and find out for yourself!

3 Photos I took In New Zealand



Man Nabbed at Wal-Mart for Handcuff Prank

CONWAY, N.H. - They say you can get just about anything at Wal-Mart, including arrested. Police say employees at a Wal-Mart called to report a young man was in the store on Tuesday in an orange prison jumpsuit and handcuffs, asking for a hacksaw.

It turns out Joha Turner, 18, of Pittsburg, hadn't escaped from anywhere. He told police it was a prank. They told him he was under arrest, for disorderly conduct.

Monday is favored day for British suicides

LONDON (Reuters) - Britons are more likely to commit suicide on Monday than any other day of the week, researchers said on Thursday.

This is due not only to the "Monday morning blues" associated with a return to work but, more generally, to a sense of unease related to the start of something new, they said.

The Office for National Statistics (ONS) collated evidence from nearly 35,000 suicide cases between 1993 and 2002.

"The most common day of death was Monday for both males and females," they said. "This 'Monday effect' for suicides was consistent across all age groups, methods of suicide and all categories of marital status."

Previous studies have suggested that the Monday effect is related to work, but the ONS noted it was also apparent in Britons aged over 75, most of whom do not work.

"(This is) consistent with the theory that the day of the week pattern in suicides is related to the effect of a new beginning, rather than employment-related," they said.

While Monday was usually the bleakest day of the week, the ONS found that the worst day for suicides in the 9-year period was January 1, 2000 -- a Saturday.

Along Came A Spider

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German woman was so shocked by a spider crawling across her face that she lost control of her car and crashed head on into a roadside tree, police in the western town of Rheine said on Thursday.

The 23-year-old woman screamed and let go of the steering wheel, causing her small car to veer off the road into the tree. The car was totally destroyed but the woman escaped with only slight injuries, a police spokesman said.


"She was shocked by the spider crawling on her face and lost control of her car," said the spokesman for the police in the small town near the Dutch border. The spider survived, he said.
"He crawled out of the window."

I'm Bored



For the past month, I have been making a toilet out of lego. I have just put the last brick on my lego toilet today. I guess I was bored. Its life like. Now I gotta incorporate some plumbing.

Halo Makes It To The Big Screen

After months of speculation, Microsoft has inked a deal with Hollywood to make a movie based on its popular science-fiction video game series "Halo." If the making of the movie follows the form of other Microsoft products …

  1. “Halo” will be given a codename like “Longhorn” and be released two years later than expected.
  2. A security flaw inherent in its design will cause all moviegoers to leave the theatre with “worms.”
  3. “Halo” will be the only movie showing on its opening weekend because Microsoft will have obtained a monopoly on all movie theaters by then.
  4. It would probably be better to wait until the release of “Halo XP” before you take the plunge.
  5. Sometime during the showing, you’re going to get that annoying blue screen.

Theres A NEW KID in town!

I'm so excited. One of the managers from New Kids On The Block ran into me in the street. He dropped his suitcase and there were some photos of New Kids On The Block in them. I said "Hey, do you know New Kids On The Block?" and He replied "Yeah, I'm their manager and they're getting back together and are looking for a 6th member of the band".
He continues and tells me this story how I'm the kind of guy he was looking for. And I was invited to audition which I passed.
I am now the 6th member of the group.
I will be known as MIKEY E!
Here is some of the stuff that will be coming out soon. With the 6 of us! We will be remaking a greatest hits album as a launch. I have to grow a pony tail and change my wardrobe now. Some of the stuff I have to get is a funky hat with a hole at the top. Also they advised me to cut all my shirts that will make it fashionable.

Ubiquitous Simpson


If you do not believe that American songstress/airhead Jessica Simpson is absolutely everywhere these days, this site will prove it. Why she is everywhere, however, remains a disturbing mystery.

CLICK HERE TO ENTER

Hair or Hat?

Ok, I have been asked a lot of questions about this hat I'm wearing. Yep this is me in the photo. First off, I love this hat! Thats why I wear it, and as a matter of fact I'm wearing it now. Why? Ok heres the deal. Its the V8 Supercars. The team I go for is Stone Brothers Racing (SBR) and their logo is on my hat. The two drivers for this team is Marcos Ambrose and Russell Ingall. These 2 guys drive for Ford. Yep I'm a Ford guy! On both sides is the 2 teams Pirtek Racing (Ambrose's car) and Caltex racing (Ingalls car).

Alright with that said, why do I wear it so much? You wanna know the answer? Ok here it is: I don't know. My hat is there so I wear it. I guess its the same as makeup for girls, I don't know I don't even want to compare those two coz its too weird. No I'm not going bald. I'm not trying to cover it up.

Speaking of baldness. I think its going to happen. I take one look at my dad and say "Holy Crap, thats gonna be me one day!" I'm not going to go for the crap comb over look which is scary in the wind, I'm going to go all out there and just shave it off for a cause. I look at some guys out there and I wonder "Who are they kidding, its a hat, not hair" Forget it. Whats the deal with that? Everyone knows it a hat so why try to lie to yourself and tell yourself otherwise?

The thing about losing your hair is that people think you had a choice about it. What am I supose to say? "Yeah mate, I love just leaving the front to grow, I think I want the rest of it to die and just leave a funky part at the front, pretty cool huh?"

My friend John was saying that his dad lost his hair when he was 18 coz he was at a party and drunk and his head got a bit of carpet burn which aided to the balding process.

Another thing, I look at Donald Trump. Who the heck's he kidding? You think for a multi-billionaire that he could afford some decent hair. Is he bald or is it a freaky comb over? Who knows? Its a mixture of both I think. He could afford to open hair clinics..... Thats what I want to see on the next Apprentice, 'On tonights episode: Trump gives the people a challenge to open a hair restoration clinic'.

Wal-Mart Charges $175 for 'Stolen' Manure

BROWNSVILLE, Ore. - It could have happened to anyone: Charles Gastorf and his wife, Cheryl, forgot to pay the $10 tab for 10 bags of steer manure during a recent shopping trip to their local Wal-Mart.
The two say that in the confusion of shopping on that March day they simply forgot to add in the cost of the manure. When the Gastorfs explained their forgetfulness to Lebanon City Attorney Tom McHill, he dropped shoplifting charges against them.

That could have been the end of the story — except for the letter from the world's largest retailer that soon arrived in their mailbox, demanding $175 in civil damages.

That's when the Gastorfs learned about a little-known Oregon law that allows retailers to pursue civil penalties regardless of whether a person is found guilty or innocent of theft.

The Gastorfs — who live in a manufactured home and are retired — spoke to an attorney, who told them that challenging the action in court could cost them several thousand dollars, much more than the $175 civil claim.

So the Gastorfs paid Wal-Mart the money.
"We wouldn't want to embark on a life of crime at our ages and become manure thieves. I mean, if you were going to steal something, would you steal manure?" Gastorf said.

But Shardon Weber, a spokeswoman for Bentonville, Ark.-based Wal-Mart, told The Albany Democrat Herald that the company has decided to refund the Gastorfs' $175.
"It simply seems like the right thing to do," she said.

Katie the Wonder Dog

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Here are some photos of my dog Katie. Shes a 10 year old
Pomeranian. You think she looks sweet enought to kiss and cuddle in these photos? Well looks can be decieving. You see EVERY time I come home she barks at me. The only time she wants my attention is if she's thirsty or hungry. The dog couldn't even care if I was alive or dead. I can't remember how long ago these photos were taken but she just had a bath, thats why she's got the towel around her and looks like a Jedi.



Ask Mike

Alrighty,
I got an ask Mike page... if you want to know something then Ask me! Want to know why no one likes you? Want to know how to make it big with the opposite sex? Want to know know what I'm doing? The bottom line is: if you want to know something, I'll give you the answer... Go on try it out!

Disclaimer: I know everything but the combination to the safe!

CLICK HERE AND ASK AWAY!

What The....?

No Need To Explain
These are 110% real!


My Campaign

Ok peoples I have a challenge for you, especially any Aussies reading this. As some of you probably know we have Aussie Rules Football. Everyone has a team that they think sucks. We got Collingwood (Magpies).
Heres where it gets fun:
I have designed a Collingwood Trophy IM avatar which goes straight where your picture goes when you're chatting. The Magpies are close to finishing at the bottom. When a team finishes at the bottom of the ladder at the end of the year they get the wooden spoon. I have re-vamped this as the Collingwood Trophy. No one likes Collingwood! Even if you're reading this and you are from overseas and you have a friend who goes for Collingwood, do us Aussies proud and stick this in your messenger avatar to annoy the crap out of him/her.
Heres the precious trophy:
To save it:
right click on the pic
Go to Save Picture As
Find a place to save it
Then change your picture in your Instant Messenger program to this one!
THANKS A BILLION!
PS I'm interested in seeing what comments I get. Let me know the response you get.

What A Trooper

Last night I found my old Storm Trooper outfit from when I was in Starwars Epsiode 4. The first Starwars. You are probably wondering which Storm Trooper I was. I was the one that bumped his head as he came through the door into the room where C3PO and R2-D2 was. It hurt like hell.

What you will never see or hear is that it knocked me out and I got a bad concussion. I was rushed to hospital and they released me later on in the afternoon. Unfortunately it kept production on hold that they got a replacement storm trooper. It was my clone. Remember Starwars Episode 2 - Attack of the clones? (this is the one before the first Starwars). You have no idea how far fact seperates itself from fiction. You see I was one of those clones. George Lucas wanted the authenticity of real clones and I nominated myself for the cloning program.

My other clone lives in America and works for Donald Trump. He got his break after Donald Trump saw him as one of the rejects in the crowd on American Idol. Unlike my other clone counterpart, I can sing.

Alrighty, so I don't have any proof of any of this. I don't have proof that I was the guy under the helmet. But I did end up getting this photo of me on the can. This was taken like over 20 years ago. I was at one of the secret scene locations for starwars. I was taking a toilet break for goodness sake and they found out where I was and walked right in and took this photo. I chased after the guy and proceeded to bash the crap out of him and I took his camera and got this photo developed.

Enjoy!

My name is kramer

This guy out of the blue started chatting with me and I have no idea where he came from I'm not in a chat room and he goes "Whats your name" and I told him my name was Kramer.

If you're reading this and it was you then its not my fault. Don't trust anyone on the net!

One-Man Muppet Show

It started as a funny joke at the start but now I can't stop it. You see I can do voices. What do I mean? I mean I can do impersonations and mimic cartoon voices I hear.

It started about 20 years ago with my love for the muppets. Somehow the antics of the muppets got stuck in my mind. about 8 years ago I realised I could do the voice of Kermit. My friends thought it was the best thing since sliced bread. Then Miss Piggy followed, then Gonzo, then Animal, then the whole muppet show. I turned into a one man muppet show. I got given the nick name Kermit!

Alrighty at this point, someone is reading this and I can hear them thinking "This guy is so immature, he needs to grow up" - what are you my mother?

A new breed of Muppets came along soon after. Elmo reared his red head and I got requests for Elmo. I must admit, when I first done his voice it sounded more like Elmo's half twice removed twin brothers uncles sister. Persistance paid off. Yep I got called Elmo. It helps having 2 nephews sometimes. Starwars Episode 1 came along with Jar Jar Binks. I found out that I could do his voice as well as the world famous "HOW WUDE!" line.

I have run a billion or so kids programs. I enjoy working with kids. When Elmo is unleashed I become the life of the party. When I speak to kids I use these voices. I have never seen kids who have been so quiet and fully attentive! I'm not saying that if you are working with kids that you should be doing stupid voices all the time. Yes they do back fire. I've had parents who won't tell me to my face that they are unimpressed but they will tell other leaders. But on the other hand I've had parents who have come to pick up their kids and have arrived 10-15 minutes earlier when I am speaking.

I can do a heap of other voices but there are too many to mention. These include the Simpsons and other cartoons on TV.

Anyone want an answering machine message done?

Cole's Law

Heres a cartoon that I drew!

"Remember Coles Law: Finely Chopped Cabbage"

The Yobbo

Alrighty, because I'm Aussie, I want to start to introduce people to the Australian way of life. This week I take a look at the Yobbo.

Traditionally, cricket fans have been gentlemanly. They watched the game without showing much emotion. They cheered good play from opponents and arrived at the game in respectable attire such as suits and ties.

World series cricket attracted a new breed of fan to whom cricket was not always the main attraction. Known as Yobbos, these fans liked making noise, taking the crap out of people and dressing up in silly attire. They brought with them drums, horns and instigated Mexican waves. Cricket games subsequently developed the kind of carnival atmosphere more commonly associated with football.

Yet despite having many distractions to the game, the Yobbo's were far more one eyed in comparison to the gentleman fans of days gone by. Instead of cheering good play by opponents, Yobbos booed like a fan at a football game; and chanting obscenities.
For a while, the Yobbos had harmless fun but it was only a matter of time before they became the subject of complaints from the wowsers in the members stand. The members voiced their disapproval of the excessive noise and subsequently, the Yobbo's musical instruments were banned.

The members were also offended by the Mexican wave as whenever it reached them, they remained seated to which the yobbos booed.

Yobbo's also had a habit and breaking into the chant "members are wankers." It wasn't long before security began ejecting anyone suspecting of starting the wave or having a good time.
With their musical instruments banned and their Mexican wave under attack, the Yobbos searched for new means of entertainment. Throwing items such as plastic cups and half eaten meat pies was the logical solution. This new form of entertainment caused serious problems as occasionally an unsuspecting cricket fan with no interest in food fights found themselves in the lions den of a pack of Yobbos. In such situations, protests to watch cricket in peace were greeted with sadistic laughter or perhaps a meat pie to the back of the head.

Yobbo's also began entertaining themselves by invading the pitch. This was a concern to channel nine commentators as they looked silly when they spoke about the pride of playing for Australia only to then see Australians running onto the field without wearing any trousers!

Authorities initially tried to calm Yobbism by ejecting troublemakers. Unfortunately, no matter how many were ejected, thousands remained to continue the troublemaking. This left the authorities with only one option; sell half strength beer. Many yobbos were outraged and vowed to boycott the cricket.

Other yobbos developed ingenious schemes to smuggle alcohol into the stadium. They discovered that water melons could be injected with vodka. Fruit salad could be soaked in booze over night and port could be placed in coca -cola bottles and look like the real thing.

Cartoon of the moment

Here is a cartoon I drew

Bob decides to change his name to "Hyatt Regency"
so he'd have his own monogrammed towels

Seinfeld Script #1 - Festivus

Ok kids, you can play along at home... here is a script from Seinfeld, the Festivus Episode. I've put the script below. Find a few of your friends and re-enact this scene.

[Setting: The Costanza's house]
GEORGE: Happy Festivus!
FRANK: George? This is a surprise. (Looking at Kruger) Who's the suit?
GEORGE: Yo, dad. This is my boss, Mr. Kruger.
FRANK: Have you seen the pole, Kruger?
GEORGE: Dad, he doesn't need to see the pole.
FRANK: He's gonna see it.
(Enter Jerry and Elaine. Elaine is still ugly from the steam)
GEORGE: Happy Festivus! (Sees Elaine) Yama - Hama!
ELAINE: I didn't have time to go home. What are you doing here?
GEORGE: Embracing my roots.
JERRY: They nailed you on the 20 G's?
GEORGE: Busted cold.
(Cut to Kruger and Frank)
(They're looking at the Festivus pole)
FRANK: It's made from aluminum. Very high strength-to-weight ratio.
KRUGER: I find your belief system fascinating.
(Enter Kramer)
(Kramer's with the two bookies from Horse Track Betting)
KRAMER: Hey! Happy Festivus, everyone! (Hugs George, and jumps up and down) Hee, hee, hee!
BOOKIE: Hello again, Miss Benes.
ELAINE: What are you doing here?
BOOKIE: Damnedest thing.. me and Charlie were calling to ask you out, and, uh, we got this bagel place..
KRAMER: (Finishing the story) I told them I was just about to see you.. It's a Festivus miracle!
(Estelle comes through the kitchen door, hitting Kramer as she opens it)
ESTELLE: Dinner's ready!
FRANK: Let's begin.
(Everyone sits around the table. Kruger recognized Kramer from "The Meat Slicer" episode..) KRUGER: Dr.. Van Nostrand?
KRAMER: Uh.. that's right.
(Cut to Frank)
FRANK: Welcome, new comers. The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people! And now you're gonna hear
about it! You, Kruger. My son tells me your company stinks!
GEORGE: Oh, God.
FRANK: (To George) Quiet, you'll get yours in a minute. Kruger, you couldn't smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a babe.. I lost my train of thought.
(Frank sits down, Jerry gives a face that says "That's a shame". Gwen walks in)
GWEN: Jerry!
JERRY: Gwen! How'd you know I was here?
GWEN: Kramer told me.
KRAMER: Another Festivus miracle!
(Jerry gives Kramer a death stare. He shuts up. Gwen notices Elaine)
GWEN: I guess this is the ugly girl I've been hearing about.
ELAINE: Hey, I was in a shvitz for 6 hours. Give me a break.
(Gwen leaves, Jerry follows)
JERRY: Gwen. Gwen, wait! Ah! (runs back to his seat) Bad lighting on the porch.
ELAINE: (To bookie) Hey, how'd my horse do?
BOOKIE: He had to be shot.
FRANK: And now as Festivus rolls on, we come to the feats of strength.
GEORGE: Not the feats of strength..
FRANK: This year, the honor goes to Mr. Kramer.
KRAMER: Uh-oh. Oh, gee, Frank, I'm sorry. I gotta go. I have to work a double shift at H&H.
JERRY: I thought you were on strike?
KRAMER: Well, I caved. I mean, I really had to use their bathroom. Frank, no offence, but this holiday is a little (makes a series of noises) out there.
GEORGE: Kramer! You can't go! Who's gonna do the feats of strength?
(Exit Kramer)
KRUGER: (Sipping liquor from a flask) How about George?
FRANK: Good thinking, Kruger. Until you pin me, George, Festivus is not over!
GEORGE: Oh, please, somebody, stop this!
FRANK: (Taking off his sweater) Let's rumble!
(Cuts to an outside view of the Costanza's house)
ESTELLE: I think you can take him, Georgie!
GEORGE: Oh, come on! Be sensible.
FRANK: Stop crying, and fight your father!
GEORGE: Ow! .. Ow! I give, I give! Uncle!
FRANK: This is the best Festivus ever!

Stupidity

Caption This #1

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Fancy yourself being a caption writer?
Add your caption in the comments below

The Wide Wide World Of Golf

I am involved in a program in a local High School. On Thursday mornings we serve toasted cheese sandwiches and hot chocolates for free. On Fridays lunchtime we run a lunchtime program. We run some crazy games. The messier games always get the coolest response. I've become an expert in hyping and making them more exciting than they actually are. For example I ran a game called 'Ping Pong Golf' where you have 2 kids and they had to blow a ping pong ball into a cup. Sounds not that thrilling huh? Thats what I thought. I totally looked at all the areas of real golf and implimented them into it. 3 things: The golf clap after every hit, the ooohhhs and ahhhs when it gets so close, and one final thing: the Happy Gilmore impersonation aka "CAN'T YOU GO INTO YOUR HOME?!!!??". We done a play off which consisted of 2 rounds of 2 kids and the winner of both rounds plays off to win a bag of Jelly Babies and a chocolate frog.

Golf is not my favourite thing to play. Infact I think theres nothing more boring apart from lawn bowls. But its funny because everytime I play mini golf I win! I don't get it. Am I suppose to hate something to be good at it?

We took our youth to a fun park and you pay the admission fee and everything is free and unlimited! There was a mini golf course and we decided we'd just go in there and just play around just for fun. We get about half way through our game and we met Australia's own Happy Gilmore! He was ssssooooo angry at his son for not hitting the ball. This guy couldn't get any more Aussie if he tried, he sported everything from the un buttoned flannelette shirt to the mullet to the moustache. It was hillarious anyway to hear a guy going off his head on a mini golf course at his (probably looked about 8 -10 years old) son all because he couldn't hit the ball properly. I decided when the coast was clear to get my friend, who I was playing against, take a photo of me doing my best Happy Gilmore Impersonation:


"Can't You Go In your home?"

Cartoon Of The Moment Dept.

This is a cartoon I drew

"Hello Tech Support? I just brought your CD called
'How To Operate Your Stereo'
But I don't know how to play it!"

It Snowed In Australia - We Never Get Snow!

PEOPLES, We got snow! We never get snow!

This is Australia for goodness sake!!!




VICTORIA was blanketed yesterday by the most widespread snow in decades as the state was gripped by an Antarctic snap. Surfers' paradises became winter wonderlands as snow fell along Victoria's coastline and beaches.
The extreme weather conditions also caused havoc on the road and forced schools to close.
Snowfalls were reported in the coastal towns of Inverloch, Apollo Bay, Geelong and Torquay, and across the Mornington Peninsula and Phillip Island.
Ballarat, the Latrobe Valley, Colac, Korumburra and other Gippsland towns were also blanketed in white stuff, while the mercury hovered around a shivery 7C in Melbourne.
Weather bureau forecaster Claire Yeo said a fast-moving air stream from the Antarctic caused the freezing conditions.
She said it was the state's largest widespread snowfall for decades.
"What makes it such an unusual event is that we have had snow near sea level," she said.
"We have never had reports of it, ever."
Ms Yeo said it was amazing that snow was reported on Inverloch beach.
She said the temperature in Melbourne hovered around 7C and only reached a maximum of 10. But the CBD escaped the predicted snowfall.
Children across southern Victoria frolicked in the flakes as some schools were closed.
Students at Mirboo North primary school faced the prospect of being kept overnight.
Principal Alistair Hillis said students had to be collected by parents on foot after the roads became dangerously slippery. The school planned to keep students overnight if they couldn't get home but a break in the weather saved the day.
On the other side of the state, students at Lavers Hill P-12 College were forced to abandon their school bus when it became stuck in snow.
After trekking to school with the help of teachers also caught, students found their classes had been cancelled.
"It was great fun," principal Chris Hulonce said of the early morning adventure. "We all had snow fights along the way."
Korumburra resident Shayne Harland made the best of the conditions in south-east Gippsland, dressing up as Santa and bodyboarding down the town's main street.
"I haven't seen snow for a long time, and I saw the Santa suit in the cupboard and I thought 'why not?'," the 17-year-old said.
"We have never had a white Christmas."
Red Hill Central Store owner Timothy Desmond said he'd lived in the area more than 30 years and remembered it snowing only once, in the late 70s.
"It really looked lovely. It snowed for probably 15 or 20 minutes, then went away as quick as it came. It was raining quite heavily and the next second I said 'that doesn't look like rain, it looks like snow', and it was," he said. "There will be log fires aplenty."
Ballarat dance student Sarah Power and fellow students were ecstatic to see snow in the city.
"It doesn't snow very much here, so I've been told, and it was very pretty so we went outside and danced in the snow in our tap-shoes," she said.
South-east Gippsland mother Miranda Sharp found herself building a snowman with children Oscar, 7, and Gus, 6.
"It was really blizzardy, it was amazing," she said. "I couldn't believe it. I just dropped what I was doing, I couldn't concentrate at all, it was too exciting."
Two people were killed last night when their car ran off an icy road near Beechworth.
The weather bureau last night said the cold snap was expected to continue, with an expected top of 12C today.

The Top 3 TV shows Ever Dept.

#1. SEINFELD


#2. MR BEAN


#3 THE GOODIES

Finders Keepers

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I was walking down the street today and I found some money laying there on the ground. Someone had dropped it!
Lucky me! Who said you can't buy anything with $3 these days?
I'm off to get a face lift!

I hung out with Richie Cunningham today

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Today my good friend Richie Cunningham and I decided to stop at a fantastic restaurant called Arnolds. It was old fashion service with an old fashion smile.

While I was in there you won't believe what happened. Immigration came and took the Asian owner called Arnold away. His Visa had expired aparently. I think Arnolds is going to shut down and me, Richie, Ralph Mouth, Potsi, and Fonzi will have to go some where else. I heard that McDonalds will be taking over Arnolds joint. I can't work out why - theres enough of them around.

That was my day

The I Gotta Check Myself Dept.

I picked my brother up from work tonight. I think he's got a tradition happening. Every night I'm sitting in my car waiting for him to come out and tonight I was ready for it. He was going to sneak up to my car window and scare the crap out of me. He came and I saw him and I was ready for it.. and without realising it he went to the drivers side window this time. You may think "Well Mike, you're a woose, I'd never get scared". Well add that scenario with the cold, fog, darkness and a bit of rain and you're sitting in a Steven King reality TV series and you're the star.

Can't wait to see what he does next... If he thinks its so funny, lets see how funny it is when I drive off and leave him to walk.

To get him back I'm going to tell the whole world that when my brother takes the bins out for the garbage man, he has to take the little old ladies bins too. He is scared to go there that last week he was in such a rush coz he was so scared that he got the wrong bin... He's scared of the little old lady nextdoor! ROFL! and to make a long story even longer, the old lady rang up and told us that he got the wrong bin coz he was in a rush because he was afraid the little old lady was going to eat him for dinner.

So put that in your pipe and smoke it Mark!

The Bad Hair Day For A Drug Smuggler Dept.

The complete moron award goes to this drug smuggler:
http://cbs5.com/watercooler/local_story_217214926.html

The Reality Blog Dept.

I have a fake blog. I have been asked by a number of people what it is.

Does anyone remember that episode of Seinfeld where Kramer gives Elaine's boss Mr Peterman the ideas for his new book? It was all about Kramer but Peterman paid for the stories for his book. On the next episode kramer decided to do the Peterman Reality Bus Tour. He'd go around talking about where Kramer grew up, where his friends live and etc. But he said it was Peterman not him when it was actually him.

That is the whole premise of "The Fake Mike Reality Blog"... A bunch of stories I've made up. I'm real but everything else is fake. Heck, I've even met the president and I'm friends with Vanilla Ice.

ENTER HERE!

The Photo I took Dept.

I took this photo a while a go. I was taking my nephews to the park and a magpie landed on the equipment above me. I'm glad I took the photo. It was enough to just get the magpie but when I took it I ended up getting the sun aswell. I love the colours and the way it just comes through.





Ok another thing. I know Richmond is playing collingwood this weekend - Thats not the reason for the photo. I remembered that they were playing when I uploaded this pic.

Yep collingwood is the magpies. What the heck has happened to the Tigers? They were 4th. Brown breaks a leg and then Richmonds confidence went out the window with their premiership chance. How can they end up 10th? they need to get 8th for a chance to play in the finals.

Millenium, Here We Come

Im booking my house out for the next millenium... anyone want to be here to be the first to see the sun rise on the next millenium?

Lifes A Garden - Dig It

I thought I would show my friends and family a bit of what I do and where I grew up as a kid so that they could understand my deeper side.

MY BUSINESS:
When I started my business this is a photo of my first office. I provide computer training, tech support, graphic design and other IT services


Here is our graphic design department



MY HOME:


This is the house of Elliott when I was growing up.We lived on Durey Lane. Our house is a small one. It used to be my folks house, but I'm the only one living there now.

Every morning there would be a fight over who got the bathroom first.

I certainly do like my bubble baths!

MY DAD:
This is my dad about 20 years ago


MY NEXT CAR:

Isn't it a swell looking car? I know it needs a bit of work but nothing that a little spit shine can't fix. I can hardly wait to drive it.

Well thats my tour. Hope you enjoyed it!

The Great Der Of The Century Dept.

Make sure you are sitting, because the following news will shock you!

Men do have trouble hearing women:

research link Men who are accused of never listening by women now have an excuse - women's voices are more difficult for men to listen to than other men's.

Who needs research? Any male over the age of 5 can tell you this, and we don't need a white lab jacket, clip-board or pocket protector to know that women have a (shall we say) more complicated communication regime then men because they talk all the time and don't say what they mean.

Men: Nothing's wrong (means) nothing's wrong.
Women: Nothing's wrong (means) ?????

You get the idea?
Reports say researchers at Sheffield University in northern England have discovered startling differences in the way the brain responds to male and female sounds.Are these researcher's married? If they are this couldn't come as a surprise.

The research shows men decipher female voices using the auditory part of the brain that processes music, while male voices engage a simpler mechanism.Men grunt, women talk and talk and talk and talk.The Daily Mail quotes researcher Michael Hunter as saying, "the female voice is actually more complex than the male voice, due to differences in the size and shape of the vocal cords and larynx between men and women, and also due to women having greater natural 'melody' in their voices". And they can talk underwater with a mouth full or marbles."This causes a more complex range of sound frequencies than in a male voice," Mr Hunter said. The report says the findings may help explain why people suffering hallucinations usually hear male voices - the brain may find it much harder to conjure up a false female voice accurately than a false male voice.

The Newsboys Dept.

I found this link to a 20 mins video of the Newsboys in concert.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7288729/

Enjoy.

(Remember they don't serve breakfast in hell. Ok its part of one of their songs.. give me a break)

I'm feeling pretty lame today

I'm feeling kind of lame today. I don't feel like trying to be funny. I don't feel like trying to earn peoples friendship. Heck I don't feel like doing anything. I know it refers to a madman as the title but my creative flow has died.

This is my keyboard:

I got it for a bargain. No it wasn't second hand. No it wasn't 5 finger discount. It was on special in the music shop. I've had it for a couple of years. I thought that I'd put it on here for no particular reason. Its really cool. Its like a recording studio. Its got like 6 tracks you can play with. In other words you can record something and have a one man band jam session by yourself.
Thinking about it being on special, whats so special about a bargain? I guess its because it took you and I found it and it makes us feel special because we think that the sales assistant doesn't know about it.... heck some of the time thats true. The cool thing about a bargain is that we have to tell everyone about it "I got this shirt from Big W for $7.50, it was a BARGAIN!" The response would be "Woah Cool". Now imagine if we took the same scenario and it was a shirt and we paid $1000 for it. "I got this shirt from Big W for $1000!" The response would be "YOU MORON!"
Why am I saying this stuff? I don't know. I feel like I'm a fat guy stuck inside a skinny guys body. See this is my problem: I can eat and eat and eat like a horse and not put on any weight. I went to the gym to gain muscle... nope didn't work. NOTHING WORKS. Ok I can hear some people going "Thats just unfair!" You think so? I got picked on in high school because of my weight and it was 6 years of HELL. Now the tables have turned. I'm a skinny 27 year old. Now those big bullies are just plain BIG now. Oh yeah just for the record I'm 64kg's. The most I've weighed is 66kg's. I don't know how that happened.
Well thats all I got to say, I'm off to my real life.

Vanilla Ice Just Called.... Again

Vanilla Ice just gave me a phone call. He said he had just got kicked out of his apartment and wanted to live here. He said "Yo, Mikey... WASSUP?, If yo let me stay wif yo, yo can play me in my new movie!" I still need to think about it. I think it would be cool to play him in his latest movie. There are alot of things to think about AKA my reputation and how I would feel walking around like a wannabe with all this bling bling. On the other hand, the money looks good. I can't disclose the amount but I will say that its A LOT! Another side to look at it is that I'm already as cool as ice. I'm as cool as a cucumber.

If you think I should do it then leave me a comment. If you think the world isn't ready for another Vanilla Ice movie then leave me a comment and say so. You get the idea.

The Surrender Dept.

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Jeff Deyo is bringing out a live worship album recorded at Parachute in New Zealand in January 05



I was at the live recording and basically all his sessions. He rocks! This is me and him!