Note to Self #1

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Do not store plutonium in Tupperware. It is for exclusive use in the DeLorean only.

Collingwood Joke of the moment

Q. What do you call a 30 yr old woman in a Collingwood jumper?
A. Nanna

Ben Cousins relishing facing Judd at MCG

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Ben Cousins says he could not have planned a better way to resume his AFL career than squaring off against fellow former West Coast skipper Chris Judd at a packed MCG.

The return of the 30-year-old Brownlow Medallist - 18 months after he last played - and the clash with his former premiership captain has created enormous public interest in Thursday night's AFL season opener.

A crowd of up to 90,000 is forecast for the Carlton-Richmond encounter, threatening the home and away attendance record between the two sides of 85,673, set 29 years ago.

Ticket sales are well ahead of those for the grand final rematch between Geelong and Hawthorn the following night, which is expected to draw closer to 65,000.

And prize Richmond recruit Cousins was licking his lips at the prospect of opposing Judd for the first time.

"I remember 12 months ago that I was sitting down at a mate's place, obviously it was Judd's first game (with the Blues), I was preparing to watch Richmond-Carlton, it's a great rivalry," Cousins said on Monday.

"To sit back and watch him play his first game, I had a lot of interest in the game, it was fantastic.

"Twelve months later to be getting ready to play against the skip in the same game, I couldn't have asked for it to work out any better."

Cousins said the pair, who are friends, had not spoken about their upcoming duel.

"I haven't spoken to him for a week-and-a-half, let the dust settle, I'll see him out there Thursday night," he told Nova FM.

"But I'm really looking forward to playing against him, probably not quite as much as I'd look forward to playing with him.

"But they're the great challenges in footy, to come up against Carlton and Judd in particular is exciting."

Cousins, who performed solidly in two pre-season matches with the Tigers, said his pre-season had been ideal, particularly given the late start he made after being drafted in December.

"I've done the work that I like to do, not just physically but from a mental sense to know that I'm right, so come Thursday night I'll be ready to go," he said.

Even before his comeback match, Cousins was relishing being part of football again.

The recovering drug addict likened the time spent in limbo between being sacked by the Eagles in late 2007 and drafted by Richmond last December to being "stuck in a cell".

"I'm really enjoying just rocking up to footy and having something to do every day, I'm back on auto-pilot, places to be, just a bit of structure," he said.

"People look back and think it was 12 months of holiday, but especially when you're dealing with what I'm dealing with you've actually got to second guess every decision you make."

Carlton coach Brett Ratten said several of the Blues' coaching staff flew to the Gold Coast to watch the Tigers' last practice match against Brisbane and said Cousins showed signs of his old class.

But he said while the fans and media were focussed mainly on Judd and Cousins, the respective sides had plenty else to worry about.

"Richmond have actually got another 20-odd players that we'll focus on, so Ben will be a part of it," he said.

"But I tell you the impact Matthew Richardson has on the Richmond football team is pretty big, Brown's performance last week was very good, Nathan Brown was in sparkling touch, he looked like he was back to career-best form up in Brisbane.

"And I suppose the way Richmond hold back and their backmen don't push out of that back 50 too much, we'll have to have a look at that too, how we can score.

"And that doesn't involve Ben, but we'll keep an eye on him as well."

Ratten guaranteed star forward Brendan Fevola would play, despite bruising his heel in the Blues' last practice match and said midfielder Heath Scotland was likely to play despite a limited pre-season.

Carlton have four players in contention to make their AFL debuts, with Mitch Robinson, Sam Jacobs, Aaron Joseph and Jeff Garlett all under consideration.

5 Rules for life

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1.) Be happy.
Our feelings are our guide through life – an inner compass to keep us on the right path. Every moment we face choices about how to act, and our compass is there to keep us safe - we know we are doing the right thing when we feel good. This good feeling is not a "high" or a "buzz", but a deep and wholesome sense of joy and peace. When you have this, everything else works. The most important thing I have ever learned is that our own happiness is the key to everything.

2.) Pull your own strings.
Happiness, like everything, is a choice. Nothing outside has the power to make you unhappy unless you allow it to be so. You are in control of your experience of life. Everyone is different and only you can know what is right, because only you have access to your feelings. So you need to put yourself first, and let others do the same. People sometimes think this is selfish, but there is nothing more selfish than telling other people how to live.

3.) Embrace change.
Change is the one thing you can be sure of. Every moment is new and unique, and this is what makes life so wonderful – there is always something else to experience. Why cling to the past when there is so much still ahead of us? In truth, we have no choice but to dive into the ever changing current of life, and resisting it only causes pain.

4.) Don’t worry.
People worry constantly about anything and everything. We worry about the future, we worry about the state of the world, and we worry about what other people think of us. But worry achieves nothing and we cannot change the world, only ourselves. Dance your own dance – do what makes you happy, and let others do the same. Don’t take things so seriously. All will be well.

5.) Be grateful.
Marcus Aurelius, the great Roman emperor-philosopher, wrote, "When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love." Where you place your attention is a matter of choice. There are many wonderful things in our lives – choose to focus on them and be grateful for them, and they will expand to fill your experience. To be grateful is to be happy, and to be happy is the purpose of living.

10 best Ralph Wiggum quotes

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Son of the police chief, Ralph Wiggum isn't the most popular kid in school. Or the brightest. Or the most athletic. His random, dim-witted remarks, however, do make him the funniest.

1. Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!
2. Me fail English? That's unpossible.
3. [to a wolf] Will you be my mommy? You smell like dead bunnies...
4. My cat's breath smells like cat food.
5. I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.
6. The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there.
7. Principal Skinner, I got car sick in your office.
8. Eww, Daddy, this tastes like Gramma!
9. I bent my wookie.
10. And, when the doctor said I didn't have worms any more, that was the happiest day of my life.

Ice is back with a brand new apology - What about everyone else?

Vanilla Ice today issued an official online apology for, well, ‘everything,’ and while the video is clearly an intentional joke, Mr. Van Winkle comes off sounding alarmingly more genuine than Michael Phelps did in his recent sorry speech.

Personally, I don’t see any reason for amusing early-90s cultural anomalies to feel any shame for existing — I mean, the movie Encino Man exists and will continue to exist for all of time, and what’s the harm in that?

This got me thinking about who else should apologise for musical crimes against humanity.

1. Michael Bolton

What did anyone see in this guy?

2. Bros
What happened to these guys? They made wearing Jean Jackets with T-Shirts cool.

3. Billy Ray Cirus

I'm not against bad harircuts. I'm against bad music

4. Milli Vanilli
I don't blame it on the rain. I blame it on bad miming

5. The Hoff
Maybe he should have just stuck to doing Knight Rider

6. New Kids On the Block
If you didn't know by now, NKOTB have now reformed. My question is WHY? Now the 15 year old girls who used to Idolise them are all grown up. Who wants to hear 35 year old women fainting over these guys like they were 16 yr old's at a 1987 Michael Jackson concert. All I can say is God help us

Honourable Mention goes to... Celine Dion for killing an ACDC classic.
My Question is WHY? What else can I say about this? Can anyone actually watch this without throwing up in their mouth? This sounds like a cat getting run over by a lawn mower. I'd prefer to get a chip inserted in my head that plays William Hung's 'She Bangs' over and over on repeat than this. This video proves why there will never be a Celine Dion version of Guitar Hero due to the really bad air guitar. (I'll give $10 to anyone who actually liked this - Cheques will not be honoured)

I think I'm going to do a Christian version of this list. Suggestions can be left in the comments.

Lowndes & Whincup 2009 Livery is here

Here are some photos of Jamie Whincup's car for the 2009 V8 Supercar Championship. Looks a little bit like last years livery but lets face it, Team Vodafone is THE best team out there. They’ve got the BEST drivers, the QUICKEST pit stops and GREAT mechanics TOO.